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January 26, 2012


Losing one’s virginity intentionally before marriage is wrong, inappropriate, inconsiderate to one’s spouse-to-be and completely unacceptable, the reason and gender notwithstanding.

Asking when men have sex before marriage, why not women - does not make sense - two wrongs do not make a right - they only compound the heinousness of one another.

It's like this - I am a virgin and I have every right to expect that my wife should be so; and a virgin girl has every right to expect her man to be a virgin. No doubt.

And yes, it is infidelity to the future spouse if one has sex before marriage; and saying loyalty after marriage alone counts is not sensible in our society and dharma. It may be ok in the west where it's normal to sleep with many if not one person, before marriage and after divorce as their desa dharma allows a remarriage!

I am shocked this issue of virginity is brought up in an Iyer forum.

Kaamasutra - it also describes how a wife must be loyal to her husband, how she must be devoted to household duties etc. Are we following them as well?

In the name of modernity and freedom of speech, we cannot destroy our culture and dharma.

If a person "truly loved" someone and lost her/his virginity, that person must make it clear when looking for the next partner.

Just as the non-virgins insist on their right to marry regardless of their virginity status, the virgins have the right to know the sexual history of the potential partner and insist that they marry only virgins. Their rights to choose a partner with no sexual experience before should not be ignored.

One cannot say "It's none of your business", "My character does not depend on my virginity" etc. I will not judge someone's character and make comments, but if a person refuses to tell me about her past, I will stop considering her as a potential life partner. You need not tell all and sundry about your virginity, but if a potential life partner asks about it - you are under an obligation to reveal, and this applies to both man and woman.

And will I judge a girl's character by her virginity or the intentional loss of it? I can only say this much on a public forum:

If I am looking to marry, and if the girl is a non-virgin/refuses to talk about her past, I would not marry her, however great her other "accomplishments" may be. It's my personal choice of adhering to our dharma. And I have that right to politely refuse to go any further with the alliance talks on the grounds of her amorous past.

And if I am not looking to marry her, her sex - life is of no concern to me - I am not a moral police. So, I'd not spend my mental energy to judge her character on that.

Having said that, I would not have much of a regard for the character and integrity of the person who was so selfish as to be able to cater to her own sexual urge before marriage, without thinking of the possibility of having to marry someone else later in life, and the emotional implications her act would have on the man she marries.

There is another psychological problem here with women who do not want their sexual past to matter:Many of them want their loss of virginity to be accepted as they want it, regardless of what men and society think!

Now, a marriage is a union of a man and woman - if a man does not want to marry a non-virgin - that should be respected, as he is a partner and he has the right to choose to marry a virgin.

Women cannot bullishly state that men should not question their virginity and that they have the right to not disclose it to their potential partner.

If a lady is ok with losing her virginity, she should be ok with honestly saying that to the potential partner BEFORE MARRIAGE so that the guy gets to decently move away if he wants to marry a virgin. To hide it, is a violation of the husband's rights and emotions, when he wants to marry a virgin, quite legitimately so - himself being one.

There is a fine line of difference between asserting one's own rights and doing so to the extent of denying others, theirs.


ramesh said...

I liked your post a lot!.. you write very well!


bdharmal said...

Thanks bro :)
Glad you liked it :)